I’m a 21-year-old woman, and I really need advice about a tough family situation that’s been affecting me and my mental health. My dad (42) has been living with my grandma (73) since 2002. He originally moved in with my mom, and after her passing, he stayed. I’m the oldest of three siblings, my two sisters are in high school, and we all live with my grandma.
In 2023, my dad stopped working as a chef at a chain restaurant. My grandma, who’s very kind and understanding, has had sympathy for him and assumes he’s struggling financially. Because of this, she hasn’t pressured him to contribute financially to the household.
In July 2024, I came across his bank statements and found out that he’s been receiving $3,000 a month from my mom’s beneficiary funds and my two sisters’ Social Security benefits. Instead of helping out with bills or taking care of us, he’s been spending this money on designer clothes and, unfortunately, hot workers.
My grandma is completely unaware of his income and continues to support the household on her own. She struggles to pay the bills, often leaving herself with nothing or even overdrafting her account to make ends meet.
Since finding out about the money, I’ve confronted my dad three times. He keeps promising to help but never actually does. He also doesn’t try to form any emotional connection with me or my sisters , it feels like he doesn’t care about being a parent.
To make things worse, my grandma is now in debt with the IRS because she didn’t claim any dependents last year. She asked my dad if she could claim all of us (since she’s the one who provides for us). He declined and only let her claim one of us, lying to her about the reason why.
Now, my grandma is overwhelmed and thinking about kicking him out, but she doesn’t know about the money he’s been receiving.
I feel like my grandma deserves to know the truth about his finances, especially since it directly affects her ability to take care of us and herself. But I’m scared of the fallout. I know it will cause a huge family conflict, and my dad is likely to react defensively.
At the same time, keeping this secret has been ruining my mental health. I feel like I’m protecting someone who is taking advantage of my grandma’s kindness while hurting her and the rest of us.
What Should I Do? Should I tell my grandma about the money? Or should I stay out of it and let her handle things her way? I’m really struggling to figure out the right thing to do. Any advice would mean a lot.
Tell her, he’s basically living rent-free and putting her in trouble while he just gets to do whatever. Sounds like a major AH.
He’s been living with his grandmother and her house since he was 20 years old. In other words, he and his wife moved in and had all these children at the same time. I wonder what happened to his wife. Yeah, you need to tell your grandmother and furthermore, if he doesn’t rectify this, you need to go to the county Social Security department and let them know what’s going on.
Your dad isn’t just taking advantage of your grandma; he’s taking advantage of you and your siblings and stealing money that’s YOURS. Fuck his feelings.
This… couldn’t have said it better myself.
Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when financial struggles and personal responsibility are involved. Being honest with my grandma might be the only way to protect her and my siblings from further harm. It’s scary, but the truth could be the first step toward breaking this cycle of deception.
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