I (18F) have been dating my bf, C (19M) for about two years. Our relationship is usually pretty good, but recently we had this really weird conflict where I feel like I’m being gaslighted into feeling like the villain. The other day, me and C were at his house, watching tv, and then he suddenly asked me. “Would you still date me if I was trans?” I am 100% a cishet girl, and although I am an ally, I wouldn’t date a trans-girl, even if she was my SO before the transition. I told him something along the lines of “No, because I’m not attracted to women” Then he got really weird and angry. He started talking about how it shouldn’t matter what gender he was because I loved him and we have been dating for a long time. Then he called me transphobic.
I was really taken aback by this attack because of a hypothetical statement, so I told him it wasn’t transphobic to not want to date someone of a gender you’re not attracted to. Then I asked im why he was getting his pages in a bunch because of this weird scenario. He told me to leave the house. That was 4 days ago and now although the typical Redditor scenario of his grandma’s dog texted us ranting or something didn’t happen, our friends have asked us what’s going on because they know something happened. I feel bad because he genuinely thought I was being an arsehole for my answers even though I thought they were respectful to the trans community. AITAH?
UPDATE: Idk if many of you will see this, but I called my boyfriend and asked him about the question. He said recently he had been “rethinking his gender” (his own words). I said that, although I would be there for him obviously, I wouldn’t be attracted to him physically if he decided to transition. I’m trying to help him through it but we both thought because of our answers we should probably break up. He apologised to me for calling me transphobic and the other stuff. Also, I have been seeing transphobic comments on this post and I’d like to clarify: Transphobia is never ok.
TOP COMMENT
NTA but I think your boyfriend is questioning his gender identity
REPLY
This. People need to learn that love isnt enough to keep a relationship alive. Attraction is a big factor, like it or not and if you arent attracted to your partner, for whatever reason, then its probably not going to work out. You cant help what gender you’re attracted to, OP, just like your bf cant help what gender he identifies as.
Edit bc apparently this isnt common sense: yes there are obviously exceptions, what im saying is when there is such a big incompatibility issue, you cannot rely on love alone to keep the relationship going as the bf is asking of op, all that does is create resentment. Refer to my comment below this one.
RESPONCE
After a long time with my partner, they decided to transition.
I will always love them, but I am no longer attracted. It’s become purely platonic now, but we’ll remain friends
TOP COMMENT
I was dating a girl and she discovered she’s asexual… We broke up after talking about it a few times and we were still friends afterwords. It sucks, but it’s no one’s fault. I know three people who something similar happened. No matter how much y’all can like each other, there’s some deal breakers that just are what they are.
REPLY
Honestly, my partner was bi and we still broke up when I transitioned because I just changed a lot. Transitioning can be an incredibly intense process and sometimes it’s easier/better to do that without a partner at all, even if the attraction is still there. He taught me how to shave though and I still have some of the clothes he gave me when I only had girl stuff
RESPONCE
It is fully a second puberty, including all the weird emotional fluxes that happen during the first one.