I (45M) don’t have living parents, so all family gatherings are with my wife’s (36F) family. Early on, I often felt like an outsider at these events. Her father made it clear he didn’t think I was “good enough for his daughter,” and her mother and I had a strained relationship due to our differing religious beliefs (I’m an atheist; she’s a devoted Christian). This dynamic left me mostly quiet and withdrawn during gatherings for years.
Then, a few years ago, something shifted. At a Thanksgiving dinner, I finally felt like part of the family. I’d had 2-3 glasses of wine, loosened up, and participated laughing, joking, and engaging with everyone. For the first time, I left feeling like I belonged.
But that feeling didn’t last. On the way to Christmas dinner that same year, my wife gave me a talk in the car about “keeping my voice down,” citing her father’s migraines. She said I’d been too loud at Thanksgiving. While I know I can get enthusiastic and my volume rises when I’m excited, her comment caught me off guard and deflated me.
Then, while we were still on the road, I got a text from my mother-in-law with the same message: “Please be quieter this time.” It felt like they’d teamed up to police my behavior.
To be fair, they weren’t entirely wrong I can be loud when I’m excited but this was the second time in ten minutes I was being told to “tone it down.” Instead of feeling welcome, I felt rejected and embarrassed. It shattered the enthusiasm I’d finally found with her family, and sure enough, I was sullen and withdrawn that Christmas. I felt like “the outsider” all over again.
Since then, this has become a pattern. Before every gathering, whether at their house, a restaurant (even loud ones), or other events, I get reminders from both my wife and mother-in-law to keep my voice down. And every time, it crushes my desire to participate. It’s hard not to see it as them prioritizing her father’s comfort over my feeling of inclusion. The constant reminders make me feel like I’m an embarrassment to them.
I know I’m taking this personally, but it’s hard not to. I don’t need the reminders anymore. I’m well aware of the issue by now but their repeated warnings only deepen the wedge I feel between me and the family.
This morning, my wife reminded me again to “keep it down” at tonight’s Christmas dinner. I’m already dreading the text I expect to get from my mother-in-law later today. I can’t help but feel resentful, like they’ve conditioned me to avoid engaging entirely.
So… AITAH? Am I being too sensitive about a legitimate health concern for my father-in-law, or are they overstepping by handling this in a way that guarantees I’ll never feel fully comfortable around them again?
TOP COMMENT
Hell yeah, go see a movie and grab some Chinese food or Indian food or something. No muss no fuss!
REPLY
One year me and my little brother decided to go see Les Mis together on Christmas Day, when it came out, and it (predictably) kept us out all day. We got home at around 8pm and everyone complained that we didn’t spend Christmas with them- and then proceeded to tell us about all of the family drama that had come out/caused fights during the course of the day. In a family of 50+ people, that’s a lot of shit going on. A lot of different dynamics and fighting. Everyone in the family must have been stressed dealing with it.
My brother and I, on the other hand, were truly moved by the performances in that movie. I’d been gone for a year in the Army so it was also great quality time together. We let them continue fighting and went to play games until we were too tired to continue fighting. 10/10 Christmas.
RESPONCE
My oldest son and I went that same year on Christmas to see Le Mis. At one point we looked at each other and we were just sobbing – probably during the Anne Hathaway song. Made it a memorable Christmas!
