EDIT: paraphrased some direct quotes and removed some potentially identifiable info.
My brother and his now wife got married three days ago. A very small destination ceremony under 15 people total. My now fiancé and I extended our trip after everyone went home and spent a couple of days exploring the Grand Canyon, a couple hours north of the wedding, where he proposed.
When I shared the news with my brother and now SIL, he responded with hostility, saying that it looked like we were competing.
I apologized, quickly realizing that he was advocating for my SIL and that she felt hurt (although I’m truly failing to understand why). I also texted her a separate apology and explained that it was not our intent to encroach and just wanted to share the news with family and that it’s my belief that there’s room for happiness for everyone. She did not respond.
In response to my apology, my brother doubled down and said the timing and location were hurtful and that we shouldn’t plan around the wedding.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
We got engaged 3 days after my brothers wedding and in a location 2 hours north of their wedding. Is this too soon / too close to their wedding?
TOP COMMENT
NTA! And I can see you’re trying valiantly to understand, but I’m not sure your brother or his wife will be able to give you a good reason for their reaction. Their reaction is wild! Sure, it’s rude to propose at someone else’s wedding… but that’s not what happened. The fact that you and your fiancé got engaged a few days after their wedding, before you flew home… is a totally different thing. Also, the level of hostility in that message from your brother is nasty and definitely not normal. I’m so sorry that he treats you like that.
REPLY
NTA. Your brother needs to calm down. The bride gets a day, her one wedding day. She does not get a location, a week, or anything else. She gets her wedding. That is all. You did not encroach.
RESPONCE
NTA. You were proposed to days after the wedding while exploring the state the wedding was in and several hours away from the wedding site, and also this wedding was an “elopement.” I get that eloping has changed definitions from essentially marrying in secret and private to a generally small planned wedding… but she’s throwing a tantrum as if this were an all-expense-paid luxury wedding in a rented locale and that you were proposed to the same evening as the wedding steps away from said wedding and announced it in front of everyone.
UPDATE
My brother and his now wife got married three days ago in a self-described “elopement ceremony.” A very small destination ceremony in Arizona with 11 people total. My now fiancé and I extended our trip after everyone went home and spent a couple of days exploring the Grand Canyon, a couple hours north of the wedding, where he proposed.
When I shared the news with my brother and now SIL, he responded with hostility, saying, “It looks like you’re trying to compete. That is incredibly socially inept of him or both of you.”
I apologized, quickly realizing that he was advocating for my SIL and that she felt hurt (although I’m truly failing to understand why). I also texted her a separate apology and explained that it was not our intent to encroach and just wanted to share the news with family and that it’s my belief that there’s room for happiness for everyone. She did not respond.
In response to my apology, my brother doubled down and said, “It’s the action of doing it three days after the wedding at the same location that’s the most brain dead move. [She has] a past that was supposed to make everything about that wedding much more meaningful. Everyone knows that weddings are about the bride. He could’ve absolutely planned around it. Hellishly stupid and selfish. Trust me when I say I’m biting my fuckin tongue right now.”
For additional context, I’m not close with my brother because of his general toxic behavior towards both me and my father and I have very limited knowledge of my SIL’s past. Ideally, I’d like to speak to her directly to try to get a better understanding and make amends, especially since she is now family.
