At 26 years old, I thought I had things mostly figured out at least in terms of what I wanted from life and my relationship. My boyfriend of three years, Dan is wonderful in many ways but I’ve always been honest with him: I’m not ready for marriage just yet. It’s not that I don’t love him; I do. But marriage feels like such a monumental step and I’ve told him I need more time to feel truly comfortable.
A few weeks ago, we attended a big party his family threw for his dad’s 60th birthday. It was a lively, joyous event full of laughter and celebration. I noticed Dan seemed a little anxious that day but I chalked it up to the usual stress of family gatherings. Little did I know, he had a much bigger plan in mind.
As the night went on, Dan suddenly called for everyone’s attention. Before I could process what was happening, he dropped to one knee, holding a small velvet box, and asked me to marry him. Gasps filled the room, followed by cheers and applause. I stood there frozen, completely caught off guard.
I felt my heart pounding. This was the exact situation I’d always dreaded being put on the spot in front of a crowd. I didn’t want to embarrass Dan or humiliate him in front of his friends and family, especially not during such an important event. So, even though I wasn’t ready, I smiled and said, “Yes.”
The crowd erupted into cheers, and Dan’s face lit up with happiness. But inside, I felt a sinking guilt. I knew I was lying to him, to everyone, and most importantly, to myself.
Later, during the car ride home, I knew I couldn’t keep up the facade. I turned to Dan and explained everything. I told him I loved him deeply but wasn’t ready for marriage yet and that I had only said yes to avoid embarrassing him in front of everyone. I thought being honest in private was the best way to handle it.
His reaction wasn’t what I expected. Dan was hurt, of course but more than that, he was angry. He said I’d humiliated him even more by saying yes publicly and then rejecting him in private. Now, he felt like he had to explain to everyone that we weren’t actually engaged, and that prospect devastated him. He said I should’ve just been honest at the party, no matter how uncomfortable it was.
Things have only gotten worse since then. His family and friends have been showering us with congratulations, sending texts, and posting videos of the proposal online. Dan has been avoiding their calls, and the tension between us has grown. I feel awful for the position I’ve put him in, but I can’t help feeling like he put me on the spot without considering my feelings in the first place.
There’s more to my hesitation than just timing, though. My parents, while supportive in some ways, haven’t fully approved of Dan. They’ve softened a bit, but I can still hear their voices in the back of my head: “Marriage is a big step. Don’t rush into something you’ll regret.” And then there’s the issue of finances. Dan doesn’t have a stable job yet, and while I love him, I want us to be financially stable before tying the knot. I don’t want to feel like it’s all my money as a veterinarian. I want it to be our money, a partnership in every sense.
I don’t know where we go from here. I’ve thought about suggesting a long engagement something that could give us both time to grow and prepare. But part of me wonders if we’re truly ready for that step. Are we even on the same page about what the future should look like?
The fallout from the proposal feels like a storm I can’t escape. I just hope we can find a way to weather it together or figure out if we’re truly meant to.
Comments
I totally get why you didn’t want to embarrass him, but it seems like he didn’t respect your feelings or boundaries by proposing in public when you’ve already been clear about not being ready. It’s about communication, and honestly, it should’ve been a private conversation before he took that step. You’re not wrong for being honest with him, even if it’s tough.
NTA. This could have been written by me.
If you see him as a future husband then I’d recommend just having a long engagement instead of ending the engagement. Usually ending an engagement means the whole relationship is over and him having to explain that you’re not engaged but still together will raise a lot of questions. Not to mention, it will be black mark against you in the eyes of his family and friends.
If, however, you don’t see yourself marrying him at all, then call it quits now. He wants marriage, if you don’t want it or don’t want it with him then you have different ideas of the future. If you’re not on board with ever marrying him then it’s just cruel to stay in a relationship with him.
I told my now husband a few days after the engagement that while I absolutely saw myself marrying him, I wasn’t ready yet and told him I wanted a long engagement. He understood and we were engaged for 9 years before we eventually got married. We’ve now been married for 7 years and have two kids.
