I read a story on Reddit about a woman struggling to deal with her fiancé’s covert narcissist mother (MIL). The woman is deeply concerned about how her MIL’s behavior might affect her future marriage and family life, especially with children.
The MIL exhibits all the classic traits of a covert narcissist: guilt-tripping, manipulation, gaslighting, and jealousy. She often seeks attention and tries to make everything about herself, including the couple’s engagement and upcoming wedding. When they got engaged three months after her fiancé lost his father, the MIL didn’t celebrate or congratulate them, instead centering her own grief and overshadowing their happiness.
What troubles the woman most is her MIL’s fixation on being the “favorite” grandparent, even though they don’t have children yet. She’s already making comments like, “Are you going to let me babysit?” The MIL’s behavior makes the woman worry about future boundaries and how her fiancé, who was emotionally groomed to see his mother as an angel, will handle her interference. She believes he turns a blind eye to his mother’s toxic behavior out of guilt and loyalty, making it difficult to discuss her concerns without upsetting him.
The woman feels stuck and is seeking advice on how to gently help her fiancé recognize his mother’s behavior for what it is. She hopes to address these issues before they become bigger problems, especially if children are involved.
Good luck. My MIL was the same way. My husband didn’t want to hear me say anything negative about his mother. He dismissed my concerns for 13 years. I eventually broke down and told him I wanted a divorce. It was only then that he actually listened to me. But then he sought therapy and went no contact with her, all on his own. It’s been 2 years since he cut her out. It’s been mostly very peaceful (she did go through a period of stalking our children, which was stressful, but that’s resolved). I’m still letting go of resentment for everything, but I dealt with a lot during those 13 years, so I know it could take a very long time to process and work through that.
Oh gosh, do we have the same MIL??? It’s awful, and I actually just reached out to find a therapist for myself solely to discuss my MIL. She has my husband sooo wrapped up in her stuff, and it was easy to ignore before we had kids. Now we have 2, and at Christmas, she was whisking my 4-year-old away from me and whispering about sleepovers. It makes me feel sick. She’s a master manipulator, and my husband thinks she’s just this innocent angel that “just wants time with her grandbabies.” It literally makes me want to barf. His sister is also wrapped around this woman’s finger. It’s WILD. I have no advice for you, but I pray that you don’t have to deal with the stuff I have to. It makes me resent my husband, and it consumes my thoughts a lot of the time. I fear this woman will somehow try to turn my kids against me.
This story resonated with many, sparking discussions about therapy, boundaries, and the importance of tackling these dynamics early. It highlights the emotional toll of dealing with toxic family members while trying to maintain a healthy relationship with a partner who may not yet see the problem.