Jane rarely communicates with our family. At 51 she’s always been distant, texts unanswered and time hoarded for herself. Despite that I’ve tried to keep a relationship going because I adore her son, my nephew. But this time she crossed a line that left me questioning whether I should keep trying at all.
About a month ago Jane informed me out of nowhere that I wasn’t allowed to be at our parents’ house when she visited. Her reason? She wanted alone time with our parents, something she claims she doesn’t get often.
Fine, I understand the need for quality time with family. But what I couldn’t understand was why I had to be the one to explain her decision to our parents. That wasn’t my responsibility.
Recently our parents asked if I’d be there when Jane and her son visited. I answered truthfully: “No I’m not allowed to be here when Jane visits.” It wasn’t dramatic; it was just the truth. But I knew my dad wouldn’t take it well.
At 90 he still has a temper, one that’s been sharp and cutting all our lives, especially with his kids. But despite his flaws he’s softened in many ways and I’ve worked to make peace with the complexities of our relationship.
As expected my dad didn’t handle Jane’s demand gracefully. He confronted her letting her know exactly what he thought about her decision. Jane in turn blew up at me, furious that I had “escalated” the situation.
But I didn’t escalate anything. I simply refused to lie or shield her from the fallout of her selfishness. If she wanted alone time with our parents she should have been the one to set those boundaries, not leave me to deliver the message and deal with the aftermath.
Jane’s behavior is part of a bigger pattern. She creates messy situations, expects others to clean them up and lashes out when they don’t. I’ve been her scapegoat for far too long and I’m exhausted. She’s mad at me for not protecting her from the consequences of her choices but why should I? I didn’t create this mess, she did.
I’ve thought seriously about going no contact with Jane. I’d still maintain a relationship with my nephew through his dad but I’m done being dragged into her games. My time with our parents is important to me and I’m not going to let her control or diminish that because she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.
If being honest makes me the villain in her story so be it. I won’t apologize for standing my ground and refusing to enable her behavior any longer.