I never expected to find myself in this situation but it’s been weighing on me and I need an outside perspective. I’m a 55-year-old Black woman and my late husband was Black too. My son who is 24 and living on his own started dating Kayla a 25-year-old woman over the summer. Kayla has a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship with a Black man.
From the beginning Kayla encouraged her son to call me “Grandma.” I didn’t mind at first. She seemed polite and I was happy to help out when she asked me to watch her son so she could go to a medical appointment. I’m retired and keep busy with volunteering and hobbies so I agreed. Afterward she texted me full of gratitude saying her son really enjoyed spending time with me.
But that one favor quickly turned into a pattern. Ever since then Kayla has been dropping her son off regularly often with little notice. If I mention that I have plans she’ll talk about how it’s important for her son to “connect with his Black roots” and how our time together is crucial for bonding. At first I tried to be accommodating but it’s started to disrupt my life. I’ve canceled outings with friends skipped volunteering and even missed my beloved book club meetings just to babysit.
The last time she dropped him off unannounced I had had enough. I told her honestly that she was using race as an excuse for free babysitting and that I felt like she was taking advantage of me. Kayla didn’t take it well. She started crying and called me cruel. Now my son is involved saying the boy just wants to spend time with his “granny.”
The child is sweet and I care about him but I’ve watched him more than I’ve ever watched any of my other grandchildren. It’s starting to feel less like a relationship and more like an obligation.
People who’ve heard my story have shared their thoughts.
One person suggested “Tell her that bonding time should come from his father’s side of the family. She’s being manipulative and it’s not okay.”
Another said “She’s playing the ‘Black roots’ card like it’s a free babysitting punch pass. Set boundaries and don’t feel bad about it. Your time is yours.”
Hearing these perspectives has made me feel more confident in setting limits. I care deeply about family but I also believe in valuing my own time and not allowing myself to be taken advantage of.
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