I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, and we have a 4-year-old son together. Unfortunately, issues with my mother-in-law (MIL) have been constant since our son was born. She and my sister-in-law can be very unpleasant to me, but only when it suits them. Other times, they seem sweet and kind completely mood-dependent. The problem is, my partner doesn’t seem to notice their behavior. He claims to try and understand my perspective but often falls short. When I bring up their actions, he gets defensive and insists he doesn’t take their side, but his lack of action says otherwise.
One recurring issue has been about car seat safety. I’ve made it clear to my MIL that our son will remain rear-facing because it’s safer for him. Despite explaining this multiple times (at least four), she keeps arguing with me. Her daughter switched her 2-year-old to front-facing early, and my MIL insists it’s fine for our son too, even though he’s only 37 inches tall and well within the limits for rear-facing seats. She brings this up often, even in front of my son.
The most recent incident happened when she came to pick up my son while I was rushing to attend an important Zoom meeting. I went out to help put my son in her car and immediately saw the seat was front-facing. I firmly told my son, “This is the last time you’re front-facing. In our car, you’re not front-facing. It’s for your safety.” I was frustrated but didn’t have time to address it further, as I was late for my meeting.
My MIL, of course, had to comment. She claimed she read online that rear-facing is dangerous for children’s legs in a crash. I explained that it’s the opposite—rear-facing is far safer. But she dismissed me, citing her daughter’s choices. That evening, when they returned, the car seat was still front-facing, completely disregarding my instructions. I was polite as they left, but I felt incredibly disrespected.
The next morning, my son asked, “Why am I still rear-facing in our car? It will prevent me from growing.” I asked where he heard that, but he wouldn’t say. It was clear someone (likely my MIL) had planted this idea in his head.
I told my partner I want to stop sending our son to his grandma’s house on that day and put him in daycare instead. Not only because of the car seat issue but also because I often miss meetings on that day, and my son actually prefers daycare. My partner suggested I give his mother one more chance, saying I should make it clear to her not to switch the seat and only make the change if she disrespects us again.
I was livid. I’ve already told her multiple times, yet my partner thinks I wasn’t clear enough. He even said, “I was here when you talked about it, and it didn’t seem 100% official.” His response made me feel like he was excusing his mother’s behavior again. This is a pattern in our relationship. For five years, I’ve been the one trying to find solutions while he tiptoes around his family.
I’m exhausted. It feels like my concerns are always dismissed, and I’m left to enforce boundaries alone. This constant stress is ruining our relationship. To make things worse, I’m also dealing with heartbreaking news about my father’s health, and I feel completely unsupported. I had planned a night at a hotel for my partner’s birthday, but now I don’t even feel like going.
Comment:
IF your MIL won’t follow the rules you have for your child, or says she will and then doesn’t then she does not get to spend time with him unsupervised. She got a chance to correct her mistake, and she decided that she knows better on the second time, and so she loses the privlidge of watching him without you there to enforce the rules. Not only that she brought the kid into the mix by telling him lies about it. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
Your husband does not want to confront his mother because he is going to get the blow back from this. He doesn’t see a problem because she isn’t going against what he setting down as the rules, and he just wants everyone to get along because that is the easiest thing for him.
You don’t negotiate with toddlers or terrorists. She can’t follow rules, and who knows what other rules she thinks are silly and doesn’t need to follow, so she doesn’t get to watch him without you there to be the enforcer.
Wow, amazing. Thank you so much. I started to wonder if I was to intense, etc. But if my husband never wants to interfere with his family, prefers to argue with me and give the benefit of the doubt to his mother instead, I don’t see why I should keep up with this. As heartbreaking as it is to me because I love him (and he loves me).
