My boyfriend loves stew; he wants to eat it every day for every meal. His favorite stew is beef tips and vegetables from a local place, but it’s really expensive. Like $47 for a big bowl (they don’t do small orders for takeout) and he is grossed out by leftovers so more than half of it gets wasted. We’ve had a couple of arguments about it; he says I don’t understand his brain, and I say he doesn’t understand our budget.
Recently I looked up some recipes, including doing a dissection of the takeout soup, and tried my hand at making a home-cooked replacement for stew night. He loved it for a few days, and then one night he was hanging out with me in the kitchen and saw me put tomato paste into the pot; he was really upset and demanded that I make the soup without the paste. I told him it wouldn’t taste the same and he said it would be better because he hates tomatoes; they’re not a safe food for him. So I made the soup with no tomato paste and big surprise, something felt off about it to him. Instead of admitting that the tomato paste was necessary, he threw a fit and told me he didn’t want home-cooked food anymore if I was going to “play with him” and not take his safe foods seriously. He thinks I changed more than just the tomato paste in an effort to get him to admit he was wrong.
$400 in stew orders later I had an idea to ask the chef when we were picking up the order if there were any tomato products in the stew, and lo and behold there is tomato in the recipe, fucking tomato paste. In my mind, this was great because I thought he would get over it if he knew his original perfect stew had tomato paste, like, “Oh, I guess tomato paste isn’t so bad then,” but it was the exact opposite. He walked out of the restaurant without saying anything and then refused to eat the stew that night and hasn’t ordered it again, and he’s been ignoring me while sulking around the house, using his whiny voice a lot, and slamming things. His sister also texted me to tell me I’m a selfish asshole for needing to “get back at him” by taking his favorite food away.
I literally just wanted to stop spending insane amounts of money on stew; I wasn’t trying to hurt him or ruin his life. I’m not autistic; I can’t really wrap my head around caring this much about a single ingredient; I genuinely didn’t see this reaction coming. We’ve been together for four years and he’s only had three other fits like this; the other ones were pretty reasonable. Those were also a little less intense and didn’t include input from his family; this is the first time anyone in his family has ever spoken to me like this. So I’ve been back and forth between “yall are overreacting” and “what have I done?”.
AITA? It sounds so dumb when I write it all out but living it has made me feel physically sick with regret; I can’t think straight anymore.
ETA: I’m getting ready for work right now so I can’t respond to individual comments but there’s some recurring confusion/questions I wanted to clear up because it might effect the answers:
1/ The stew place is a catering place with a mini-restaurant, so every time we order takeout, we’re ordering a catering amount pretty much; it’s not stew made of gold. 2/ We order from there 2-3 nights a week, it’s not the only thing he eats; it’s just the top 5 foods for him, he doesn’t eat this unreasonably every single day. 3/ He has a job and contributes with money; I’m not funding his entire diet. We do mix money, so even though “he” pays for the meal half the time, it does still feels like “we’re” losing money. He works part time and I work full time; bills are probably split 70-30.
Alternative Prespective
NTA
Neurodivergence is not equated with being an asshole, regardless of how many TV shows we have that think it’s funny to show the possibly neurodivergent character in that light. Unfortunately, we’ve come to associate the two as going hand in hand, and that’s both an insult and disservice to people that are neurodivers.
The world does not cater to anyone unless you’ve got the money to make it, which most of us never will. That means people need to learn that they’re not always going to get what they want.
Spending $400/month on one food every month is ridiculous. Spending $47 multiple times a week on one meal that isn’t even fully eaten is ridiculous.
I fully understand food aversions; both my parents have pretty severe texture and taste issues. I was never forced to finish my plate or anything like that because my parents both had parents like that, and they both suffer from severe food aversions. My fiance has food aversions and he has things that are his favorite thing to eat, and he could eat them every day.
But… And here’s the key: neither my parents nor my fiance tailor their entire life and diet around that one or two things they love to the point that they’re spending over $100/week getting them.
They recognize that they have aversions and they avoid things that contain things they don’t like, but that doesn’t mean they only eat one expensive item multiple times a week.
I can’t help but notice that your boyfriend not only works part time but only contributes 30% to household expenses while you are expected to work full time, contribute the bulk of expenses, and cater to his dietary habits, or you get accused of being an ableist.
How is that ok?
Why is it expected by him and by his family that he gets to take full advantage of you financially, and when you, his partner, NOT his parent, say something, you’re an ableist?
Why are you expected to act both as his girlfriend and his mother?
What concessions are made for you and your needs?
How much of your life is spent catering to and caring for someone who’s supposed to be your partner?
You tried to do something nice for him that also saved your budget; it didn’t work out. That sucks. It happens.
Instead, he and his family are painting you as some sort of Disney-level villain… Over stew.
Think about that.
Does that sound at all reasonable?
TOP COMMENT
I don’t believe this is a question of AH behavior or not. You are an absolute angel for dealing with this for so long.
Relationships have their quirks and struggles. Finances and budgets can be huge, no matter what.
When in-laws get involved, the quick and easy response for me is always: when you start contributing to paying our bills, then you get to start contributing to our financial conversations.
Essentially, this is what is happening when your boyfriend’s family is getting involved. They are sticking their nose in your business.
If you take the autism out of the equation, this is just a fight about budgeting better. If you throw it back in there, they clearly dealt with his safe food issues his entire life, and consider it your turn now.
$47 per meal and not eating leftovers is a one-way ticket to homelessness. Reckless spending on a food item you can clearly make yourself; bravo to you for doing it at home to save the money.
The autism spectrum is tough. Sensory sensitivity, food issues, social missteps, and just so many other areas of concern. You’ve been in a relationship for four years so you clearly understand this struggle. It won’t get any better with him.
His moping and whiny voice acting out will probably fade with time. The question for you to answer is whether you see this as a relationship-ending fight or a bump in the road. Do you see a future with him? Getting married and having children isn’t the answer for everyone but if it is on your radar, that’s the question and not if you’re an AH for ruining stew.
REPLY
Massively NTA.
Honest question, OP—do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Not sure what you want for your life—kids? Travel? Marriage?
When you envision these things, do you see them revolving around hunting down this specific stew to feed your partner? Do you see yourself sitting on a white sand beach worrying about where you’re going to find stew?
What is it that you are getting out of this relationship? From your description, it sounds like you’re the one doing the work to provide him with his food, possibly footing the financial cost of it.
If you’re not planning on focusing the rest of your life around stew, why are you sinking money, time, and energy into this relationship?
RESPONCE
Autistic adult here and you are NTA for having a problem with this. That price is astounding and it’s not okay for him to be spending this much this regularly, especially if the food in question is replicable at home! I would be thrilled if my partner put the effort in to try and recreate my safe foods for me in a more affordable, more accessible way. That’s a beautiful expression of consideration and care on your part. If it matters, a little sugar and a little vinegar or lemon juice will replicate the sweetness and acidity of tomato paste if you ever try making it again without the offensive ingredient. Balsamic is nice in a beef stew and so is red wine vinegar.
It’s one thing to struggle with food (very normal for autistic folks) and it’s another to struggle with emotional dysregulation (a hallmark of the disorder! ), but as an adult he needs to address these things. They might not be his fault but they are his responsibility, full stop. Living on such a limited diet sounds like it would be very distressing and it’s not just affecting him anymore; it’s affecting you too—someone who loves him. It can’t stay this way.
There are some excellent therapies available to help increase mental flexibility in autistic people even as adults; ACT is a type of therapy that comes to mind and is known to be more helpful to autistics than more common therapies like CBT and DBT. It’s really helped me move away from the kind of black-and-white thinking my brain is naturally inclined to and embrace the “grey” in life. It encourages curiosity and novelty while also honouring our need for familiar and predictable things. It’s helped me make peace with having a brain that complicates pretty much everything; I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Out of curiosity (and not because it would change my judgment in any way), has your boyfriend ever been assessed for ARFID? This sounds like it might be disordered eating territory. There are “safe foods,” and then there’s “my brain views non-safe foods as cardboard and I physically cannot bring myself to eat them,” in which case medical intervention is long overdue anyway. If his diet is this circumscribed, he needs to see a therapist and a dietician who are knowledgeable about neurodivergence and can cater to how his brain works while still gently working toward change.
