I apologize if this is long and rambling. I just got off the phone and my nerves are shot.
I (38f) called my sister (41f) and asked her to please reconsider TTC. She has been trying for almost 3 years, is on welfare/social aid and is permanently disabled. She cannot afford a child and is always running gofundme campaigns on Facebook. I just found out my older brother was funding her for years before he cut her off. She’s not married or partnered; she owns an unsuccessful online business and just keeps soliciting sperm donations from random men online.
We have always had open finances with each other since we were homeless together in our 20s. It was ok to borrow cash here or there. There were no expectations to pay it back; just be willing to do the same if the other asked in the future.
I ended up marrying someone (37) significantly wealthier with an upper-middle-class family. I went from being on social aid myself to being able to live comfortably and stop working to pursue a college degree (I only have a high school diploma while my partner has a couple masters). Everyone in their family has multiple masters or PhDs and high-paying careers.
It went from an exchange of small amounts in times of need between siblings, as we were both relatively on the same socioeconomic level, to the point where she was constantly texting or calling for funds. She even directly called or texted my partner sometimes. I was so used to giving and asking for money from her in the past that it didn’t register that it had become one-sided and she was asking for larger amounts until my partner came back from talking to their financial advisor, sat me down, and showed me I’d been sending my sister hundreds of dollars a month, thousands just in 2024.
My partner and I agreed to only giving her $50 a month. She always asks for more. It’s always an emergency. I can’t seem to say no because I’ve been there. I know the struggle.
My partner and I just started TTC and it made us sit and discuss my sister. If she’s constantly calling now, it’s going to be worse/more pressure if she has a baby. My partner’s exact words to me were, “I didn’t agree to finance your sister or her future children when I married you.” I agree.
I called her just now and asked her to please stop or at least reconsider TTC. I laid out how much she had asked for in the past 3-4 years since I got with my partner and if that was how much she asked for now, what was going to happen when she purposely became a single mother? She was going to call me, and I’d feel obligated to help, and that wasn’t fair to me, my partner, or the baby.
She got really angry with me and said she would use WIC and Social Aid. I told her that we both knew that didn’t cover enough since we both were raised that way. She said I was looking down on her since I “married up” and that just because she was poor doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have children. She hung up the phone on me.
Does this make me an asshole?
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I may be the asshole for calling my sister and asking her not to have a baby because she’s not financially stable and a drain on my finances already. 2. Maybe being poor should not be a reason to not have children.
COMMENT
Being in your sister’s life out of a type of survivor’s guilt is going to ruin your marriage. Cut ties. Go nc. Cut her off and hopefully she’ll stop trying for a baby. Be strong, shift your focus from the guilt of your past and move on. It’s okay to be happy and not have your sister in your life. Because otherwise it will be your fault that the marriage doesn’t work. Finances are one of the biggest causes of divorce and you’re responsible for this. If she won’t stay away, restraining order.
I’m your sister’s age and at that age, with likely a poor diet and no IVF treatments, she has decreased chances of conceiving.
YWBTA if you keep doing what you’re doing and letting your sister ruin your life. My mom is a gross crackhead who can’t hold onto money herself. For the longest time, I don’t know or care if she’s still alive. Until she got back in life with other family. I escaped that life.
REPLY
NTA. But you need to be one, I think. She is so hardwired on only expecting and receiving help that she would bring another human into her life just because she can and sees nothing wrong with it. You need to cut her off completely. Even if you give her a little, that still means for her that the door is open for more. Cutting her off might be the only thing that would make her rethink the baby. But its still just a maybe. If she has a baby, can you imagine how much you will need to provide? Just because you might feel guilty that you made that happen by helping her until that point. I know its hard but sometimes you need to be the bad cop and don’t give in.
RESPONCE
You’re NTA, but you’re not blameless. You are blaming her completely for a problem you’re contributing to. Your attitude of “I can’t say no, so she’s an ah for asking” is not fair. You’re both adults. You must learn to say no. You likely need therapy to work through victim mentality/boundaries/self-esteem issues due to how you grew up. You, your partner, and your future children deserve a healthy version of you. If you do find a good therapist, you could consider paying for some sessions for your sister if that’s financially feasible for you and your partner.
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