My son (30) and his fiancée(28) of six years go on a family trip every year with her extended family. From what my son tells me, they travel to different locations and rent an Airbnb that accommodates the 30 people who attend. For the past three years, they’ve gone during the holidays, and as a result, we rarely see them. My future daughter-in-law (DIL) and I have a good relationship, but I can’t say we talk much.
My son and his fiancée are planning a trip in March for spring break, and I asked my son when we might be able to plan a trip together in the future. He mentioned there might be enough room at the house they’re staying at. I told him that sounded great and asked him to let me know the costs for everyone attending. My 24-year-old son, 22-year-old daughter, and 3-year-old grandson also live with me, so we all planned to go.
A few days later, my son told me that we’d likely have to sleep on a couch or share one of the kids’ bunk beds if they were available. I assured him we’d make it work, and I sent him our share of the costs. I also told my kids, who were very excited—this would be their first vacation that’s more than a three-hour car ride away.
Last week, my son called and told me it wouldn’t work for us to join them after all, and he sent back the deposit. When I asked why, he explained that his fiancée didn’t feel comfortable with us coming. She was upset because I didn’t attend her engagement dinner last year to meet her family, which she felt would make it awkward to share the vacation rental. She was also upset that I didn’t reach out to her directly to discuss joining the trip, leaving my son to relay the information instead.
I told my son it was fine, but I ended up booking a hotel about 15 miles from where they’re staying. I also told my son he didn’t have to worry about making time to see us. Now, my DIL is upset because she feels that we’re still somehow taking away from their trip.
AITA?
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
Booking a hotel in the same area as my son and daughter-in-laws trip that we ended up not getting to go on
TOP COMMENT
Ugh, my mom pulled this phrase once and it did permanent damage to our relationship. I told her, four months in advance, that I was planning to take the week off of work before my PhD defense because I knew I’d be stressed out and I needed to just hide in my cave to prepare.
So she proudly announced that it was the perfect week for her to fly out to see me for the first time in years, and I could be her tour guide and show her my city. I told her no, absolutely not. I would be too stressed out and couldn’t handle visitors that week. Come visit literally any other week, but not that one. I begged her not to come. For four months.
Of course she came. And stayed in a hotel around the corner and sent texts like, “Well, after our long journey, we’re finally here and hope you have time to see us, but don’t worry, I can read a book at the hotel until you think you’re able to make it outside.”.
Best part? She had no interest or intention of actually attending my PhD defense. She just wanted to be there in the few days leading up to it because I’d told her it was the most important week of my life so far, and she decided to make it into a power play to make me “choose” her over everything else that mattered to me. I was so stressed out and it’s the closest I’ve ever come to having a breakdown.
It was just the latest in a long series of manipulative stunts but I never got over that one. It sounds stupid but it did permanent damage to our relationship and she lost the last bit of trust I had left to give. Making my PhD into a “Pick Me” spectacle just left me feeling utterly betrayed. Martyr manipulation is so toxic.
REPLY
I passed. No family came to the defense (not that I expected them to) but my friends took me out for a mellow celebration of hot wings & beer that night, which was exactly the kind of low-key event I needed when I was feeling so exhausted.
RESPONCE
Oh. My. GOSH! I am so sorry that your mother knowingly chose to time her absolutely horrific, unconscionable ‘power play/pick me’ stunt to coincide with your PhD defense. WHAT an ego! What appalling behavior? What a lack of regard.
I’m a firm believer in the idea that ‘active indifference’ is the best response to dealing with people like your mother. As you know all too well, people like her thrive on attention. I sincerely hope you give her as little as possible. More importantly, I truly hope you’re able to live your best life with as little interaction with her as possible. Congratulations on your enormous scholastic accomplishment.
