A few months ago, me (28f) and my sister “Eva” (33f) realized that we were both pregnant (I’d say she was about 6 weeks further than I was). She’s been struggling with infertility, so we were all happy for her. I have an older son (2 m) with my husband (32 m).
Sadly, a couple weeks ago I lost my baby. We told my family. They were all supportive, but I did sort of pull away from them. They would’ve tried to avoid discussing Eva’s baby around me, but I didn’t want to overshadow her, especially since she’s wanted this for a long time. I also didn’t want to be reminded of my own loss whenever I saw her.
So I haven’t been to my parents’ place for Sunday dinner since or really spent time with Eva, which we had been doing a lot before. I replied vaguely to any messages about my absence; it wasn’t the best communication from me.
Yesterday my parents were hosting family dinner for my dad’s birthday. I’d been thinking about going because I missed my family, and while of course the pain of losing my child has not faded, I’m at a point where I can at least put it a little to the side to be there for my sister and my new niece (when she is born).
So I let my family know that we would be coming. However, we had to get a gift for my dad and then my son had a bit of a tantrum, so we got to my parents’ place about an hour late. I wished my dad and then went to the kitchen, where my mom, Eva, and my SILs were.
But before I went in, I heard them say my name so I stopped. My mom was saying something like, “Well, I guess [OP]’s not coming,” and Eva said, “What did you expect? She probably changed her mind and is just staying home again. Honestly, I’m sorry for her but you would think she was the first woman to ever lose a kid. And it’s not even her first kid.” They then kept talking about other things, but I just wanted to leave.
I went and got my husband, who was with my BIL, dad, and brothers in the living room. I told my dad I was really sorry but we needed to go. They all protested, but my husband could see how upset I was so he didn’t. We got my son and left.
When we got home, I just kind of cried for a while. My husband asked me what happened and I told him. He was angry that she said that, but thought we shouldn’t have abruptly left because my dad had been looking forward to seeing us, and my son missed his cousins.
After this, I was feeling conflicted. Later, my brother texted me saying my dad had been really upset about us leaving and brought it up at dinner, which caused a whole fight because mom and Eva realized that I must’ve heard them talking, and my dad was mad about it. My brother said that it was pretty bad and he wished I had just stayed so none of it would’ve happened; obviously Eva didn’t mean for me to hear that; they were all just frustrated that I’d been AWOL for so long.
Now I feel bad because I didn’t mean to ruin dinner. Obviously what Eva said was hurtful, but I can see how my actions might have led to her saying something out of anger, and I could’ve talked to her about it later instead of just leaving. Idk, AITA?
ETA for additional context:
- My family is the type to just drop by at each other’s places and see one another multiple times throughout the week besides just Sunday dinner. Lately, I’ve been kind of fielding off any requests for people to visit. I just want to, I guess, emphasize how close my family is and how abnormal it is for me to not be seeing them regularly, even for a little bit. I haven’t been ghosting them, but I just text them saying “I’m not feeling up to it” for dinner and kind of leave it there.
- My sister and my mom have always been closer to each other, as have me and my dad. Additionally, my brothers are closer to her since they’re all closer in age.
- I mentioned this in a comment, but we didn’t text anyone saying we were going to be late since my family is usually pretty lax about time (me and my husband usually show up early though so it’s unusual for us to be late and might’ve been why they thought we weren’t coming). Also, my son was continuing to be a handful all the way there so that kept us busy and we kind of didn’t think about notifying anyone.
- I’ve started looking into grief counseling now that I feel like I can at least talk about it.
- As far as she’s told us, my sister hasn’t had a miscarriage before; she just had trouble getting pregnant to begin with.
- From what my brother told me, my sister and mom didn’t admit to saying anything; they just kind of looked at each other once my dad mentioned me leaving, and he noticed and asked about it. Then one of my sisters who was also in the kitchen (my other brother’s wife) mentioned what they said and my dad got mad. My other brother was also apparently angry with them and it just turned into my mom and sister trying to defend themselves, my dad and other brother yelling, and my brother (who texted me) trying to stay out of it.
COMMENT
Grief has no time limit. Recovery from a miscarriage sucks because of hormones, pain, and suffering emotionally. The fact that your family thinks you need to seemingly suck it up and get over it is ridiculous. So no, you weren’t wrong for taking time to deal with your loss.
It sounds like they are more focused on your sister finally getting pregnant and they want you to do the same. It’s like, How dare you make your miscarriage about yourself? Don’t you know your sisters are pregnant?
So your sister, who has struggled with infertility, finally gets pregnant and decides that a miscarriage is NBD because it happens all the time and you already have a kid?
Your brother is upset because the family fight wouldn’t have happened if YOU JUST SUCKED IT UP AND STAYED. No consequence for your mom and sister?
I’m sorry but HELL NO. NTA
Ask your sister if she remembers not being able to get pregnant and ask her to imagine what she would have done if she overheard you saying, “She probably is staying home again. You know she isn’t the first woman to suffer infertility. She can always adopt if she wants a kid so bad.”
Yea, your sister likely dreaded being around pregnant women and babies because of her struggles, even if she wasn’t vocal about it, but now that she is pregnant and now the only pregnant sister, she thinks she can look down and judge you?
Imagine if it were reversed. I bet your family would be having her over for dinner and asking you to stay home because you were pregnant and it was too hard for her
I’m sorry but she is a selfish jerk and I wouldn’t accept any apology she gives, if she does. Remember, she isn’t sorry because she was wrong for what she said; she is sorry she got caught saying it.
And your family is wrong for blaming you for being rightfully upset because your sister faced the consequence of voicing her thoughts out loud.
REPLY
I’ve got it in triplicate now. OP, your family stinks, and you are not the problem here!
RESPONCE
Therapist here, fourthed lol. I see this all the time in clinical practice. Families that are emotionally abusive mess up people they’re close to just because they think their reasoning is sound.
Her own sister saying it’s not like she’s the only one who lost a child is so disrespectful and traumatizing to hear. First because it undermines how incredibly difficult it is to lose your own child who has been in the back of your mind since the moment you found out you’re pregnant. To hear that your own sister thinks you’re being weak instead of her showing compassion is heartbreaking.
Second, because she not only is hearing horrible comments about her situation, but she also doesn’t have the support of her family to lean on at a time she needs it the most. Think of how different her mood would be if her sister hugged her and told her, Don’t worry, we will always be by your side. Giving her that security and comfort that she doesn’t have to be alone in all of this. And giving her confidence, she will have the strength to pull through this.
People who have suffered a miscarriage often feel a profound sense of loneliness, as if they’re navigating a dark and uncharted territory alone. Their grief can be overwhelming, and the sense of disconnection from others can be debilitating. They may feel like they’re walking around with a gaping hole in their heart, and even the smallest comments or gestures can feel like a knife to the heart. So ops sister really kicked her down when she was low.
The fact that her sister didn’t contact her first apologizing is very telling. Why were her mom and sister fighting when they found out she heard them and was not apologizing??? Why did the brother wish she didn’t leave instead of being more understanding of her reaction to hearing what she did? NTA at all. Take all the time you need to mentally recover. Get into therapy. There’s a lot to process there
