AITA for not letting my husband go out with his friend Christmas Day night?

My husband used to go out with his high school friends Christmas night, while they were in town. I will admit I’ve never liked this tradition. To me, Christmas day is time to spend with family, not friends. The last few years, this has not even happened. Almost everybody has families and/or has moved on.

Today (yes, Christmas Eve), my husband announced to me that he was making plans to go out with Michael, a high school friend of his, tomorrow night. Michael only comes into town for Christmas.

I was pretty upset. We are spending Christmas day with my family, and they had made some very thoughtful accommodations for us to enable us to spend time with them late into the evening despite having young children.

We had a terse conversation in which my husband said I had agreed to him doing this months ago. I had asked him how I could support his friendships, and he replied, “Support me seeing my friends when they are in town.” He says this means Christmas day night, and I should have known it meant Christmas day night because he always sees them on Christmas day night. I said he should have given me a few weeks’ warning instead of springing it on me Christmas Eve. He said he does this every year, and I should have known. He also said I had not told him that our plans with my family went into the night. Which is… I guess I had not been explicit. But I had told him that they were moving the party to our house after the messy stuff [edit: After presents, for dinner] so that we could play games with them while the kids were in bed, and I thought that was obvious enough.

I suggested tonight, tomorrow night after 10:00 or our kids’ naptime window tomorrow as other compromises, but my husband says, “This isn’t the time we do this. Michael will want to spend that time with his family, and he’s not willing to be out late as he has an early flight. We spend time together on Christmas night.”

He’s agreed not to go out with his friend, but we’re kind of pissed with each other now. He said he feels like I’m breaking the promise I made to him and I’m not valuing his friendships. We’re doing Christmas with his family today, and this whole thing has completely ruined the mood. We’re finding little corners to fight in instead of actually enjoying the time with his family.

And I don’t really have anybody to talk about this with, because everybody’s enjoying Christmas, and I don’t want to ruin their days either.

So Reddit, AITA?

Edit: My husband came back to me and asked if he can offer his friend Michael between 3:00 and 5:00 tomorrow (during our children’s nap time). I have agreed to call my family up and ask [editedit: My husband asked me to talk to my family to determine exactly what times were open so that he could make plans with Michael], but am I unreasonable in not wanting to give him the evening?

Edit 2: There’s some other context I should have included. We had a Christmas planning meeting Saturday night to make sure everybody knew what was happening and nobody got an unpleasant surprise, because that has very much happened before. My husband did not mention his desire to go out with Michael on Christmas Day evening. He only mentioned it today.

So my husband and I have talked again.

Apparently, when I said that my family wanted to do Christmas dinner at our house so that we could play games afterwards while the kids slept, my husband assumed I meant lunch, not supper. This is not the first time we’ve had a miscommunication about which meal dinner is. I still don’t know why he didn’t mention his desire to go out with his friend. He hasn’t exactly apologized, but he has acknowledged that it is my expectation that he would mention something like that during a planning meeting.

Also, I’ve heard you all. And you’re right. We will have other opportunities to spend time with my family. I’m sure you will call me controlling for asking for some changes from his plan, but I have asked him to see if Michael can meet during the day while our kids are napping, and we’re not doing family things. If Michael can’t do that, he will go out with Michael right after supper for an hour or two. I have asked him to choose a place close to our house instead of their usual place near my husband’s childhood home, as there will be less driving time.

Ultimately though, I’m still not okay with him telling me about his plans The day before it and after, we had already made and discussed our Christmas plans. If that makes me an asshole, so be it. I will be an asshole.

My husband and I are not fighting anymore. Christmas is salvaged. I wouldn’t say we have an agreement, but we have talked about discussing any Christmas tradition plans of his before Christmas Eve in the future.

Edit 3: I’m glad you all are enjoying hating me. I will not be replying anymore. As the issue is resolved, I will be uninstalling Reddit for the next few days.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I told him I did not want him leaving in the evening to go see his friend. I may have been an asshole because he considers this to be an involiable Christmas tradition, and believes I should have left the time open and unplanned for him.

TOP COMMENT

YTA

omg you get your husband every single day of the year you can’t just let him have a few hours? He has to sit around your family all day accommodating whatever traditions you all have but you have no respect for his because they are “just friends”? Come closer to the mic so you can explain to everyone how much you don’t support your spouse. This friendship is important to him and his tradition means a lot to him. You don’t need to understand it, you don’t need to agree with it but the very least you can do is give him the same grace to practice that he’s given you every single year up until now.

You said it yourself, you weren’t clear. How are you upset at him for not knowing what you didn’t communicate? On the flip side you did know that the meeting would take place the evening of Christmas because it historically always had. You had no reason to believe anything had changed in terms of his tradition. Does he know how you feel about it? The fact that he feels he needs to ask you permission for a few hours of seeing his friends that he only has access to once a year when you already had him all day is selfish on your part. A chosen family is still family it would be nice if you could see it that way for his sake too.

REPLY

I heavily disagree with this, and all the replies. And the fact is it feels like the reply were written not by OP to be honest. Here’s the thing: of all the holidays, Christmas (and if you’re America then also Thanksgiving) is THE family holiday. And if you have a family (children or not), then you should be coordinating these things together with your partner. According to OP, the husband had many opportunities to bring this up during planning and didn’t so therefor NTA. There are small children and extended families involved. You don’t put friends over family during holidays unless you don’t see your family and have a found family instead. Or are you being sketchy?

RESPONCE

Or is Christmas the one time of year that people tend to gravitate back to where they grew up? It’s not uncommon for people to meet up with schoolfriends at Christmas because it might be the only time you’re in the same town/county/state/country, thanks to people heading back to their childhood homes. There’s nothing sketchy about it.