How do you set boundaries when someone doesn’t seem to respect them? That’s the dilemma I am facing with my roommate’s boyfriend, who seems to think my kitchen is an all you can eat buffet.
I (25F) live with my roommate, Sara (26F) and we have always had a good relationship. I love cooking from scratch because it’s healthier, cheaper and something I genuinely enjoy. Occasionally, I share leftovers with Sara if I have extra and it’s never been a problem until her boyfriend, Tom (28M), started coming around more often.
At first, Tom’s visits were occasional, but recently he’s been here almost daily. What started as the occasional snack turned into him regularly helping himself to my food — without asking, contributing groceries, or even saying thank you. I let it slide for a while, not wanting to seem rude, but the final straw came last week when he ate the entire portion of food I’d prepped for my next day’s lunch.
Frustrated, I spoke to Sara and asked her to make sure Tom stopped eating my food. She shrugged it off, saying he’s “just comfortable here” and that it wasn’t “a big deal.” I explained that it is a big deal because I plan and budget my meals carefully and his snacking throws everything off. I made it clear I wouldn’t be sharing anymore and asked her to let him know.
I thought that was the end of it until yesterday. I’d made a large pot of chili and went out for a bit. When I came back, a big portion of it was gone. Furious, I confronted Sara again, reminding her this was exactly what I’d warned her about. She rolled her eyes and called me “stingy,” claiming it was “just a couple of bites” (spoiler: it wasn’t). I snapped and told her I am not her boyfriend’s personal chef and I don’t owe him free meals.
Now things are tense. Sara’s been acting cold and Tom has also been distant clearly, she told him about our conversation. But I don’t think I am wrong for wanting boundaries in my own home.
After sharing this story, people suggested that Tom needs to stop hanging out at our apartment entirely or at least start bringing his own food. Many couldn’t believe that a grown man thought it was acceptable to rely on someone else’s groceries like that. Some even pointed out that at 28, Tom should be mature enough to understand basic respect and boundaries.
Am I wrong for refusing to feed someone who doesn’t live with me or contribute in any way? Or are my roommate and her boyfriend taking advantage of my kindness?