My fiancé proposed to me on vacation in the most thoughtful and beautiful way. He did not have a ring at the proposal because it was his mother’s 10 year anniversary ring, and he did not want to lose it.
I did not see the ring until we went over to her house and she showed it to us / handed it to me. So right away it felt like it was being given to me from her, rather than from him. The ring is 30+ years old, it is a marquise pyramid ring. It’s very guady and ostentatious. It is also gold, which I have told him in the past I do not wear or like gold. All of my jewelry (including my facial piercing) is silver. I told her and him that I loved it and thanked them. His mom has been under a lot of stress and the last thing I’d do is add to that or try and make her feel bad.
I will say we have never looked at rings together and he would not know what I would like. This proposal was very unexpected.
I held my tongue for a month and tried to see if I could fall in love with the ring. Unfortunately did not help the ring was HUGE, like 3-4 sizes too big so I can’t even wear it. But I spoke to my mom and she said that if I don’t like the ring I should tell him.
His mom also suggested without me asking first, that we could always get a different ring for our official wedding ring, or have the heirloom put in a different setting.
With that being said, I got the courage to talk to my partner about it. I told him that I love the ring, it’s beautiful but his mom did mention I could change the setting. That id love to see at the jeweler what that would entail. He then immediately asked me “so you don’t like it” while laughing. So eventually after pressing me, I was honest and said that it’s not that I don’t like it—it’s just not ME. It’s not an everyday ring. It isn’t an aesthetic that I like, it is really loud and bulky. It is a marquise pyramid ring.
He dropped it, and seemed to understand where I was coming from. But later tonight he saw me on my phone googling about this topic and he got upset I was doing that. He told me I was being selfish and that women are materialistic, and that I was being that way. I really am not. The heirloom cost over $6,000 when they bought it. The style of ring I like is affordable, I really like oval moissanite rings. I told him that I do not care about the price tag. I even said I’d buy my own ring I don’t mind doing that. Money isn’t an issue for either of us by the way. I just am not a fan of real diamonds and I prefer fake diamonds or stones. That’s genuinely my preference. I also like a very dainty and simple band.
We basically got into a huge fight and he’s upset with me. He said that he’s giving his mom the ring back and I can get a ring I like. I feel like a major POS now and I regret even saying anything. I really tried to handle it gently and I never even said anything BAD about the ring. I also feel like since he just took it from me and locked it in his safe, it was never really mine to begin with. Once he got upset he wouldn’t even let me have the ring back. So I’ve been struggling with that.
Any advice is appreciated, please let me know if I’m the a-hole here. If there is any different way I could have handled this. I cried to him and told him I just want to love my ring. I love aesthetics about other styles and I don’t have any nice jewelry at all. No rings, nothing. And that if I wear it every day I want to love it. And he said that made me materialistic and selfish. That if I say I have no nice jewelry how dare I then say I don’t like his mother’s heirloom?
And I even suggested to keep the ring and wear around his family / special occasions, and have a different ring for my wedding ring. Even though his mom SUGGESTED THAT to begin with, he said that would be me lying about liking the ring, so I can’t do that. I feel so depressed.
TOP COMMENT
NTA. He’s being super childish about this. You’re right. You should love your ring. Talk to his mom about it. I get the vibe she knows it’s not for everyone. Does he always act this way when he doesn’t get his own way/like what he hears?
REPLY
Honestly he doesn’t ever act like this. But I think I may have hurt his feelings or struck a cord. He’s never been a big gift giver, he has done nice things for me like experiences and trips. But not material gifts. So maybe he went into it worried I would not like it and I proved him right?
But like I said in my post I was super careful and gentle when I told him. He was fine at first but then just went off the handle about it the more we discussed.
RESPONCE
Well that’s a him problem, not a you problem. You were gently honest with him. He’s overreacting to this. I’m sorry. But him calling you materialistic is a red flag. From what you’ve said, you’re far from it. If you were, you’d have sold the ring and bought something else.
