For nearly a year I’ve been in a relationship with someone I genuinely care about. But last night things took a turn that I couldn’t have anticipated. My girlfriend sat me down for what she called a “serious conversation.”
She then asked me for my Social Security Number explaining that it was essential for the progression of our relationship. Confused and alarmed I immediately asked why she would need something so personal and sensitive.
She opened up about her past. An ex-boyfriend of hers had lived a double life. He had a criminal record he’d hidden and his actions eventually exposed her to dangerous situations before he cheated on her and they broke up. She explained that ever since she’s been cautious about who she lets into her life.
As part of her vetting process she has a friend who works for the federal government run background checks on potential partners. Now that our relationship is getting more serious she said she needs to ensure I’m “safe” and insisted this was the reason for her request.
I completely understand the need for safety and I respect her desire to be cautious given her past experiences. However I couldn’t agree to give her my Social Security Number. I told her that while I had no issue with her knowing I have a clean record because I genuinely do I’m not comfortable handing over my private information to someone I’ve never met.
I explained that her trust in her friend doesn’t automatically extend to me and that my personal information isn’t something I can just share even with someone I care about.
Her reaction stunned me. She accused me of not understanding the dangers women face and implied I didn’t care about her safety. She said her friend married to someone she trusts—wasn’t a stranger to her so I should trust them too. When I stood firm and explained my reservations she became more upset claiming I was putting up unnecessary barriers and that our relationship couldn’t progress without this “proof.”
I left. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with what felt like an ultimatum based on her past trauma. I tried to empathize with her concerns but made it clear that sharing my SSN wasn’t negotiable. What unsettled me even more was the legality of her friend using government resources to run personal checks like this. Having worked for the federal government myself I know firsthand that not every employee upholds ethical standards. Just because her friend has access doesn’t mean it’s right or even legal to use it this way.
Since that conversation she hasn’t spoken to me and I can’t shake the feeling that her insistence crossed a line. Trust and boundaries are fundamental to any relationship. While I respect her experiences I can’t ignore how this situation made me feel manipulated and cornered.
