The writer is exhausted from dealing with her stepmother-in-law (SMIL), who refuses to take her children’s food allergies seriously. Instead of showing understanding, SMIL acts as though the allergies are fabricated, going out of her way to make the writer feel unreasonable and difficult.
The writer has worked hard to manage her kids’ allergies without imposing too much on others. She never asks anyone to change all the food at family events and always travels with safe food for her children. She even brings extra safe desserts to share so her kids can feel included. The only hard rule she insists on is keeping peanuts, nuts, and particularly peanut brittle out of the home during family gatherings. Her children’s safety is non-negotiable, and this boundary should be a simple one for others to respect.
The most persistent issue with SMIL involves dairy. One of the writer’s children has a severe dairy allergy, which means even minimal contact like cheese residue on hands—can cause hives. SMIL has witnessed this firsthand and still dismisses it as exaggerated. During Thanksgiving, SMIL promised to make safe food for the child and even sent ingredient pictures for confirmation. When the writer pointed out an unsafe ingredient and suggested a dairy-free alternative, SMIL agreed to adjust. However, on Thanksgiving Day, she claimed she was “too tired” to follow through and offered the child buttered noodles instead. Fortunately, the writer and her husband had anticipated this and brought their own safe food, but when they served it to their child, SMIL sighed dramatically, poured herself a large glass of wine, chugged it, and rolled her eyes in an obvious display of irritation.
The situation escalated when SMIL refused to address the issue, instead turning herself into the victim, lamenting how she used to surprise everyone with holiday meals but couldn’t anymore because of the writer’s “crazy rules.” At Christmas, the writer took every precaution by bringing all the food her kids needed. Things seemed fine until SMIL handed out game prizes for the children—Wendy’s Frosty gift cards. Knowing one of her grandchildren couldn’t enjoy the treat, she still chose a dairy-based prize. The writer swapped the gift card for money, but her child was understandably hurt, wondering why their grandparent would exclude them so blatantly.
The writer’s husband finally confronted his mother, giving her one last chance to respect their boundaries and stop blaming the writer for the family’s rules about food. The writer, however, isn’t optimistic that things will change.
This ongoing disregard for their child’s allergies isn’t just thoughtless, it’s cruel. The writer’s frustration is entirely justified. She’s doing everything she can to ensure her children’s safety and inclusion, while SMIL continues to undermine her efforts and victimize herself. Despite their low expectations, the writer and her husband are standing firm, prioritizing their children’s well-being above all else.