After reading comments, I decided to call my girlfriend on New Year’s Eve to try to work things out. Some people said her concerns were valid but she handled them poorly, and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could before ending things.
I told her:
“I understand your need for safety, and I respect that. But I’m not comfortable giving you my SSN. It could compromise my safety, and it’s illegal for your friend to use a federal database for personal reasons. Instead, I’m willing to pay for a background check of your choice through a legitimate service. I’ll provide all the necessary info, just not my SSN.”
She refused, saying her friend needed to do the check because she trusts him. I explained that this came down to trust. I told her:
“I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me because of things I didn’t do. I’m not paying for another man’s mistakes.”
She got upset, saying it wasn’t about me but about her need for safety as a woman. I told her:
“You made it about me when you asked for my SSN. I tried to compromise, but you’re being unreasonable. This feels manipulative, and I don’t feel safe staying in this relationship.”
She accused me of not understanding how vulnerable women are and said I should just do it to make her feel secure. I said:
“I offered a fair solution, and you refused. If this is how you react when you don’t get your way, I can’t trust how you’ll handle serious disagreements in the future.”
She started crying and asked about our New Year’s plans with her family. I said:
“You should’ve thought about that before trying to force me into something I wasn’t comfortable with.”
I hung up, and now we’re over. I feel hurt but also relieved because this shouldn’t have been such a messy situation. I genuinely tried to compromise, but she wouldn’t accept anything but her way. Whether she was really that worried or had other motives, it doesn’t matter anymore it’s done.
Comments
You nailed it with this: ‘If this is how you react when you don’t get your way, what happens in future disagreements?’ You dodged years of manipulation. Tough now, but a solid start to 2025
Agreed. You also dodged major privacy concerns. If her friend is running checks like this, how many other people’s personal information has he invaded?”
Manipulation and gaslighting avoided. Men can have safety concerns too, and this situation shows how important it is to protect yourself.”
