A few years ago, I met my partner’s cousin (on his dad’s side) for the first time when he came to visit our city (we live on different coasts). I quickly realized this was the type of person I would never hang out with normally, but I was cordial. My partner acknowledged, “Yeah, Fred’s a lot of fun but he can be a bit much.”
About a year ago we moved to my partner’s hometown and have been spending time with his family here (all on his mother’s side) and his childhood friends. Coincidentally, his cousin moved here also for work and the family welcomed him warmly, eager to spend time with this cousin they didn’t know very well. At first he would be invited to all the things, but over time I noticed he was left out more and more. My partner would ask, “Hey, where’s Fred?” and people would groan and make faces. It turns out that I’m not the only one who doesn’t like being around him. He was still invited to Thanksgivings and big events like weddings, but for casual family get-togethers like a game night or Sunday brunch, people have left him out. And this is a family that does a lot together.
He has noticed and actually messaged me, asking if I knew why the family isn’t including him in things. I guess he sees me as another “outsider” so feels a connection. WIBTA if I told him the truth? Because the truth is that most people don’t like his personality. He’s loud, abrasive, pushy, and inconsiderate. If you can help him out on any of that, he will just say he’s “fierce,” and people need to learn how to deal with it. He changes the energy of any event he gets invited to. When my partner said he could be “fun,” it’s because he will be the one loud one at a bar or club, trying to push people to dance, do shots (or drugs), or do karaoke, etc. He will loudly criticize you for ordering a menu item or drink that he dislikes of He doesn’t respect other people’s preferences, and like myself, my partner’s family is mainly introverted. We don’t need to “come out of our shell,” and we know what we like or don’t like.
We’re not kids (all the adults are in their 40s). An example of when we all went to a museum with grandma and the kids. There was a very cool sculpture that had a rope and a sign around it to keep people from getting too close. He wanted a group selfie and insisted we duck under the rope to get it. None of us were comfortable with that but he kept insisting. A few of us started to walk away and he called us p**sies. And then he laughed it off cuz he sees that behavior as him being edgey and charming. Last time I was out with him, he sent back his drink order twice because “Sweetheart, this isn’t how I like my old fashioned.” On top of that, he’s often 45+ minutes late to everything. I don’t know how to answer his question except with the truth: your personality and behavior just don’t mesh well with most people and we just don’t enjoy having you around. So WIBTA if I do? Or should I just say that I don’t know.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
WIBTA if I told someone the truth that his personality is why people aren’t inviting him to things, This might make me the asshole because I guess in polite society we don’t really say that things out loud.
TOP COMMENT
“I can’t say for sure, but in my observations of you, the things you describe as your ‘fierce’ personality can come off as abrasive. I know you say that people need to ‘learn how to deal with it,’ but many people want to spend time with people who are easy to get along with, not people they have to ‘deal with.’ And when people give you feedback on your behaviors, you tend to laugh and either insult them or ignore them.”
NTA, and it would be a kindness if you would give him this feedback gently but directly. The indirect approach is obviously lost on him if he’s genuinely asking you why this is happening.
Not that I think he will appreciate the feedback…in fact, it seems likely that someone with his personality would lash out and insult you. But even if he lashes out, it could still prompt him to think about what you said the next time he’s in a social situation and people start pulling away from him.
REPLY
Ugh it’s so true about the lashing out and insulting part. A few weeks ago he invited himself over to our place to hang out because he was bored. I was not in the mood to socialize on such short notice but my partner felt bad saying no. I told him, “Okay, tell him fine, but I’m going to bed.” It was 11pm. When he arrived I decided it was only polite to come out of the bedroom, in my pajamas, to say hello and tell him I’m tired and going to bed, but that I hope “you boys have fun.” His response was to make a sour face and say “You’re going to go to bed when you have a guest over? Okay, whatever” and then just walked away ignoring me. I swear he was deliberately being extra loud the whole time he was here.
RESPONCE
“Oh, but you aren’t my guest. You are Partner’s guest. If you were hoping to be the guest of both of us, you really need to wait for an invitation, so it’s at a time that we are actually available for hosting duties.”
That kind of response would normally be rude, but since he is pretending to be the arbiter of proper hosting behavior while actively displaying ignorance of polite society (where guests never come without an invitation and criticizing a host is utterly inexcusable), it is fine to educate him on proper guest behavior.
