So, I (30F) have been engaged to my fiancé Mark (32M) for about a year, and we’ve been together for three years. I’ve always known Mark to be a bit unconventional, he is very creative and sometimes takes things a little too far in the name of surprise or excitement. Most of the time, I love his adventurous spirit, but this time? Not so much.
A couple of weeks ago, we had a small get-together with some close friends to celebrate our upcoming wedding. Mark had mentioned that he had a surprise for me, which I figured would be something sweet, like a heartfelt gift or maybe a romantic gesture. Well, as the night went on, after a few drinks, Mark finally revealed his “gift.”
He pulled out what looked like a box from a special jewelry store. My heart raced with excitement as I assumed it was a lovely bracelet or a special memento for our wedding day. But when he opened the box, I was absolutely stunned. Inside was a key to a house he supposedly bought for us. I was taken aback because I had no idea he was even looking for real estate. My first reaction was one of shock and confusion, as I thought it was a huge decision that we should have discussed together.
As I processed the moment, I realized the house wasn’t just any house it was a fixer upper on the outskirts of town. Now, I get that it can be a great investment but this particular house needed a ton of work. I’m talking major renovations and repairs, and I honestly had no desire to live there. Mark had not consulted me at all before making this purchase, and I felt blindsided.
Normally, I would be overjoyed about investing in our future together, but the fact that he had made such a significant commitment without me crushed me. I quietly took the key and told him we needed to talk about this. As we stepped outside, I expressed how hurt I felt that he had made such a big decision without discussing it with me first and that it felt like a violation of trust.
Mark got defensive and insisted that this was a wonderful surprise a way for us to start our lives together. He said I was missing the bigger picture and that I should be excited about our future. Honestly, I just felt overwhelmed and confused. I told him I didn’t think we were ready for this and that we should focus on our wedding first.
After a heated argument, I made the gut-wrenching decision to call off the wedding. Mark was devastated, and our friends were shocked. I had just ruined what was supposed to be a happy night, and I felt horrible. Since then, Mark has been trying to reach out, saying he wishes we could talk it over but I can’t shake the feeling that he disrespected my feelings and my input in our relationship.
I’ve been reflecting on whether I overreacted. AITAH for calling off the wedding after his surprise “gift”?
Comments and Replies:
NTA
I’m divorced now, but when my ex-husband and I were married, we lived in an apartment together. We wanted to move into a house, and he found one he fell in love with. I disagreed. It needed way too much work, didn’t have central heating/air (only had a wood stove), it smelled awful because the previous tenants had let their hunting dogs stay locked in one of the rooms, and the owner had a large area we weren’t allowed in because he had things stored there, etc.
He agreed with the owner to have us move in anyway without telling me. I told him he at least needed to get everything in writing. (We were supposed to be doing rent-to-own. The owner was a wealthy man but told us we could pay a reduced amount if we fixed up the property. I had concerns about this because we had a 1-year-old at the time and both worked full time, opposite shifts. We were also living paycheck to paycheck.)
Well, he didn’t get anything in writing, just got the keys and started fixing it up himself , again without telling me.
We ended up putting way too much money into this house, only lived there for about a year, and our relationship never really recovered after that.
I posted this long comment to say , never stay with somebody who is willing to do whatever they want without consulting you. It doesn’t work out and you will always resent them.
YUP!
My soon to be ex-husband bought a house without my knowledge before we got married. How did he tell me this? By saying we were just going to look at another house (we had been house shopping) and lo and behold, his parents and some of their friends are all there when he tells me it’s our house. Half an hour away from where I had expressly stated I wanted to live, which put my commute at an hour and his at 11 minutes. In the middle of farmland with zero privacy and 15 feet off a busy road.
I spent 10 miserable years in that house, slowly renovating it, which was pretty much the only thing I was happy about – that there was work to be done. He hated that because he viewed it as me unfairly raising the value of our home (he believed if I left, I shouldn’t get anything because he paid the mortgage). He was completely blown away that I wasn’t happy driving 2 hours a day on top of the rest of our issues and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to live there forever. It was high on the list of reasons I left.
Major purchases are not surprises. Full stop. NTA.
