Hey Reddit.
I (43m) have been with my current wife Amanda (42f) for the past six years and we have two daughters (Becca 4f and Eliza 2f) together, while I have 2 kids from my previous marriage, Liam (17m) and Sage (15f). The divorce was less than amicable and since my ex-wife had more money and a better-paying job, she was awarded primary custody despite me fighting it. For the last 8 years, I’ve had my older kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays.
A few weeks ago, my older kids asked if they could live with us full-time due to issues with their stepdad. Liam especially had come to blows with him a few times and even their mother thought it would be for the best. I did talk to my wife about it and I know she wasn’t happy as she feels uncomfortable around my older kids, although this is something she neglected to tell me until we had our first child together.
Things since Liam and Sage moved in have been hard and as much as I’d love to get some family therapy, my wife is against it and we’re on a waiting list. Before, when my kids would come over, my wife would take our daughters to her parents a lot to ‘give us space’ even though I never asked for it.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m sure being a stepparent is difficult but my kids are really good kids. They have straight As, lots of friends, play sports, and are incredibly respectful. I know I’m biased but people go out of their way to tell me these things! So it has been terrible watching Amanda nitpick everything they do. Almost as if she’s waiting for them to slip up so she can send them back to their moms. We had already gotten into an argument over the holidays due to her trying to push them out of our traditions.
Our older daughter, Becca, is going through a biting phase. Her school wants her to get OT and I’ve been working with our insurance since Amanda doesn’t like the one at the school but as always, it seems like there’s an endless waitlist.
So obviously the house is tense and we’ve all been walking on eggshells. Then yesterday morning, when I was making us some breakfast, we heard a scream and Becca came into the kitchen crying and saying that Sage hit her. Amanda ran into the den where Liam and Sage were and started screaming at them to leave. She was obviously pissed but Sage told her she was sorry; she had been done with the TV so had changed it to one of the girls’ shows and Becca got excited and bit her. She said she didn’t mean to slap her and felt bad. I immediately calmed down because I think anyone has been there but Amanda didn’t believe her. Sage had a bite mark for gods sake.
Things continued escalating and our girls were crying and Amanda screamed at both of my older kids to leave. Sage told her she would so she could calm down and that pissed Amanda off more. Liam and Sage left for a friend and ended up spending the night there.
So for the past day Amanda has been on one, saying I needed to pack their things and send them back to my ex-wife’s permanently. I can’t keep dealing with this BS. I told her this morning that it was an accident and she needed to let it go but she’s refusing, even threatening to call the police (?). She said she could never be comfortable with her babies around Sage anymore and that she didn’t feel safe. I laughed because Amanda herself once hit Becca for biting her! She ended up taking the girls to her moms and I told my kids to come back. Amanda has been texting me that she’ll be back tomorrow and the kids needed to be gone. I was ignoring her but finally said this was their home and if she was comfortable she could pack up and leave.
My parents came over and basically told me I wasn’t wrong but shouldn’t have said she should leave. I know there are some things you can take back but at this point,, I almost mean it. I would hate to deal with another divorce but Amanda has been so terrible to my older kids the past few weeks that that I honestly feel like she’s become a different person.
Edit just to clarify some things: when we had every other weekend plus Wednesday custody,, my wife would take the girls to her parents on Wednesday only, and I would take the youngest to dinner. Before we had kids,, she’d go to dinner,
, but our girls aren’t the best at restaurants. She would be here on weekends.
My son is not violent. His stepdad believed in violence as a form of punishment,, which I do not and never did, but that’s why they asked to live with me.
Sage has gone from apologetic to fully devastated about this. She offered to go back to her moms as long as Liam didn’t have to. I told her that would never be necessary. She did not mean to hit her sister, and Becca was incredibly upset about biting her. We are working on it. But we are a single-income family and I can’t afford an OT outside of my insurance. I am probably going to utilize the schools OT, though despite what Amanda said.
Also,, our youngest was not planned but things seemed to be getting better so we were excited. I did get a vasectomy after that but I love all my children.
Related comment
I wish he would have investigated more with what what this woman was actually like before he married her.
I’ve heard this story before where a guy only has his kids part-time and someone marries him under the assumption that the arrangement will never change. You should never marry anybody with kids if you weren’t 100% ready to take those kids on and raise them full time because there is always the chance that that might happen.
She wanted a fantasy of her own little biological family and is pushing out the stepkids, which is so shitty! WHY?!?? I will never understand this. To me a bigger family is very much the more the merrier. Love is not in limited supply and having older kids be part of my family too is wonderful for everyone. More love, more support, more fun, more companionship. Yes everybody has a different personality and you might not be best friends immediately, but it is not hard to act with kindness and these sound like easy kids. She just has a bug up her butt because the whole world doesn’t revolve around her in a tiny bubble. She married a man who already had kids and she doesn’t like it. That’s her problem and it makes me pissed that she is doing that to those poor teens. It sounds like both their parents married absolute jackasses.
At least this man is standing on business now that he knows how she is. And he is right to do so. If those teenagers aren’t welcome anywhere with either one of their parents, if they’ve just been pushed to the wayside for new partners & new families, it’ll affect them forever.
They’ve already been pushed out of their mother’s house. Standing by them in this time is absolutely vital. If the new wife doesn’t want to share space with the kids then she can leave. He will be a good dad to four of his children.
TOP COMMENT
NTA, but Amanda was always a horrible person. She just hid it better. Get the divorce she’s Satan in human form.
Also, fight for your youngest children 50/50 bc if Amanda gets full; they’ll never be good people.
Oh and Amanda can shut the fuck up. Your daughter didn’t mean to and it’s a normal reaction to accidentally hit someone who bites them to get them off of them. If Amanda wasn’t such a picky bitch, your daughter would have a therapist working with her already and so this is her fault why your daughter is still biting.
I’m so sorry you had kids with this succubus. Run dude run.
REPLY
I’m sorry to say dude, I think that your wife’s view of your older kids may make you two fundamentally incompatible. 1) I could never, ever, ever be with a person who abandoned their or expected me to abandon my children for the relationship (I’m a gay guy and my long term partner is also childless), 2) someone who feels the need to compete with a child for attention isn’t someone I’d keep in my orbit either.
If I were in your shoes I’d tell her to stay at her mother’s and work out a custody agreement during the separation and divorce. But that’s me.
RESPONCE
Thank you for this. She is competing with OP’s children. She is forcing an ultimatum and she will lose. Just that she waited until *after Round II was born, to tell you she doesn’t like them? She was always hoping they would fade away? They didn’t, she wants OP to choose. I, too, will always choose my children. What kind of person asks that?
