A woman sat down with her husband to have a serious discussion about something that had been troubling her for a long time: the enmeshed relationship he had with his mother. She explained the concept of enmeshment and how it could lead to behaviors like difficulty setting boundaries, being overly accommodating, and feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness. As they talked, she pointed out how these traits were evident in his interactions with his mother.
The most recent example had been over Christmas. They had taken a trip out of town, and his mother had called multiple times, trying to guilt him for being away. She referred to their children as “her precious cargo” and insisted he drive carefully because of it, projecting her anxieties onto him. Despite already celebrating Christmas with her before they left, she tried to organize a second celebration, ignoring the family’s plans. When they made stops during the trip, he would text his mom their location, something she found suffocating and controlling.
Her frustration boiled over during their discussion. To him, it seemed harmless to keep his mom updated, but to her, it was an invasion of their independence. It reminded her of the control she had fought to escape from her own mother, a struggle she’d only overcome in her 30s by setting firm boundaries.
Her therapy session earlier that day helped her realize that part of her frustration stemmed from wanting to shield her husband from the emotional damage caused by his mother’s behavior. She felt like she was taking on the responsibility of protecting him, stepping in where he couldn’t. However, it left her feeling drained and disappointed, especially when he didn’t stand up to his mother directly like when she went on a guilt-ridden rant about being alone, even though she had been invited to join their Christmas celebrations. Instead of shutting her down, he simply tuned her out and let her continue.
Now, as they prepared for yet another visit to his mother’s house, she braced herself for the flood of gifts and over-the-top behavior that she knew would follow. Deep down, she wished her husband would set the boundaries himself, but for now, she resolved to continue protecting their family as best she could while encouraging him to find his voice.
Comment: Sorry you’re dealing with this. Since he needs to learn how to stand up to her, please consider therapy. If you try to help him see the problems that enmeshment causes, it could backfire. You could at least be an example of how to set boundaries though.
Reply: You could tell her she needs therapy or she doesn’t get to see your kids as her anxiety also impacts them as I’ll bet her comments to them are conditioning them to put her feelings first as well the guilt and manipulation needs to stop.