After four years together, Emily and her partner Alex were celebrating their dating anniversary. Earlier in the winter, the two had agreed not to exchange gifts for the holidays due to tight finances. Emily had stuck to this plan, only sending out small tokens to her younger siblings and holiday cards to friends. But in her mind, their anniversary wasn’t part of the “holiday gift ban.”
The day before their anniversary, Emily excitedly mentioned how thrilled she was to give Alex the gift she had made a hand-bound book of poetry written in calligraphy, something deeply personal and reflective of their shared love for reading together. However, Alex was visibly upset. Confused, Emily asked why, only to hear Alex remind her about their agreement not to exchange gifts.
Emily clarified that she didn’t see their anniversary as a holiday and explained that the gift was something she wanted to do, not something she expected reciprocation for. But Alex argued that it was unfair when someone breaks a no-gift agreement, as it creates pressure and guilt for the other person. They felt Emily had “lied” about not giving gifts, even though she hadn’t considered their anniversary part of the no-gift deal.
Despite her intentions, Emily felt terrible. They eventually agreed she would save the gift for Valentine’s Day instead. Still, she couldn’t shake her sadness, especially since their anniversaries usually included thoughtful, handmade gifts.
Emily was left questioning whether she was in the wrong for not clarifying her view of anniversaries as separate from holidays. While she never meant to upset Alex, their reaction left her wondering if she had unknowingly broken their agreement.
Some friends weighed in, with one commenting, “I get that it’s not a ‘holiday,’ but it could be considered one in your relationship. If no gifts were the rule, I can see why Alex might feel conflicted.” Another added, “I understand why you don’t see it as part of the holiday ban, but Alex may have felt blindsided. This probably needed more clarity.”
Emily resolved to communicate better in the future but remained torn, wondering if her thoughtful gesture had unintentionally crossed a line.